I am at a point in my life where I am experiencing great discontent.
My discontent is rooted in the following two personal challenges:
First, abrupt "life changes" have shaken up my future and my future plans. Friends, the word "MY" in the previous sentence clues you in on (perhaps) my greatest personal challenge; I, Alex, constantly try to plan, control, manipulate, and even dictate my future.
Why, oh why, do I do this to myself? I am continually challenged by this unfortunate quality as God constantly shows me that my half-baked plans are in vain without HIS purpose guiding my actions.
Simply put, it's a battle of my head versus my heart. My head knows that the changes that are occurring in my life are God's way of leading me back to a better and more fulfilling path; however, the ugly pride of my heart wants to hold onto the notion that "MY plans" are somehow more intelligent than God's!
How ridiculous can I be?!
Next, I am so anxious for all of my upcoming adventures that I am causing myself total dissatisfaction in the present. Italy is nearly a month away and Free Wheel and Convention are both 3ish weeks away. Today, I noticed that I complain all the time. I complain because the weather's too hot, because I am bored, or because I am sick of this town. How many times during the past year at school did I wish for just one day to relax by the pool at home with nothing to do? Thousands!
I am a walking oxymoron, emphasis on the "moron".
Ultimately, my discontent stems from a control issue. I cannot give up control. Control of my future, control of time, all of my controlling antics have led me to this dissatisfaction.
C.S. Lewis once described his battle with control by writing, "All this flashy rhetoric about loving you./I never had a selfless thought since I was born./I am a mercenary and self-seeking through and through;/ I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn./Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,/I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;/I talk of love---a scholar's parrot may talk Greek---/But, self imprisoned, always end where I begin."
I love how honest he is here; it's raw, it's real, it's definitely me.
My blog is based around the idea of "adventures"; however, I am discovering that I cannot begin any small adventure without beginning the greatest adventure that has been prepared for my life: an intimate journey with my Savior who has the BEST plan prepared for me.
Finally letting go of control. Wish me luck, or better yet, prayers.
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